he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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