i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
