my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
