please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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