I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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