i think i have two assholes
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
