Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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