Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
