im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
