why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
did i just pee glitter
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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