What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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