God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
