Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
