No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
