Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
