Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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