Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You need a sexual gate keeper
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
