trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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