I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
