Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
