I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
