my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
