Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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