the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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