i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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