The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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