Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
