If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
