I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
