We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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