my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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