Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
