Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
