last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
