Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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