Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
