This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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