Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
