me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
