im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
