Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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