can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hippo gnu deer
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
