This is not my ceiling
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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