I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
