I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
