I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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