The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
