i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
