Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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