my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
