I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
