He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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