i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
